Memolines~Beyond labels: seeing my child's possibilities

It's amazing how quick we are to put labels on people – "shy," "outgoing," "talkative," "reserved" – completely missing how differently we behave in various situations.

I've always wondered how much of who we are comes from our genes versus our environment.

When my daughter was just a few months old, she didn't seem afraid of strangers – she would watch everything around her with curious eyes. When she was around 1.5 years old, though, that changed. I'd pick her up from daycare and she'd run happily through the hallway, but the moment she saw someone unfamiliar, she'd quickly come back to me and grab my hand. When people would say hello, she'd just press her lips together and stare, not saying anything.

Even with teachers she clearly liked, she rarely started conversations. I tried to be a good example by cheerfully greeting her teachers and classmates while encouraging her to wave. She almost never says hello first, yet she remembers everyone's name and would later tell me who did what during the day.

Then came a surprising video from daycare. The kids had just finished singing with a visiting music teacher, and after the teacher praised them, a confident little voice said "ABCDEFG!" When the teacher asked, "Would you like to hear the alphabet song? I think that’s a great song!" I couldn't believe it was my supposedly shy little girl speaking up so boldly!

This made me think about my own childhood. I was always called the "quiet one," the kid who never raised her hand from elementary through high school. When teachers called on me anyway, I would freeze up completely. Even in graduate school, the one time I voluntarily asked a question, my heart beat so hard I thought everyone could hear it. Early in my career, I dreaded meetings, and my mind would go blank whenever it was almost my turn to speak.

I wonder – how much of my "shyness" was just me living up to what everyone told me I was? After hearing "you're so quiet" over and over, I probably just accepted it as true. The more I believed "I'm just not a talker," the less likely I was to speak up, which only confirmed what everyone thought about me. It became a cycle – I was labeled quiet, so quiet I became.

It wasn't until much later that I finally got comfortable speaking in groups. These days, I'm often the first one asking questions in meetings. The change didn't happen quickly – I was just so tired of my own silence that I joined a speaking club and made myself say at least one thing in every team meeting. Little by little, the nervous feeling went away.

Watching that video of my daughter made me so happy. This little person, who I'd thought of as "a bit shy," was confidently expressing herself without hesitation. In her mind, it probably wasn't some brave act – she just wanted to sing the alphabet song! At her age, she was already much further along than I had been.

It's amazing how quick we are to put labels on people – "shy," "outgoing," "talkative," "reserved" – completely missing how differently we behave in various situations. Just look at me – the "quiet girl" who now talks a lot in meetings. People are always changing, with different sides showing at different times.

As a mom, I want to see all the sides of my daughter, not just the ones that match what I assume about her. Some days she might want to watch quietly, other days she might want to be the center of attention. All these parts make her who she is, and each one deserves to be seen and appreciated. I just want to be there as she discovers herself, giving her the space to find her own way in her own time.