Stepping back to move forward: making life easier while helping our child grow
How we give our baby room to explore, learn, and grow independently while making family life easier.
I remember this one time when I invited a Chinese-American teen friend over to make dumplings together. She hadn't had much experience with dumpling-making before, so her dumplings looked a bit clumsy. I was about to give her some tips on how to make the dumplings prettier, but before I could even finish my sentence, she confidently said, "I think they're pretty well-made already. I'm quite happy with them."
Her reaction got me thinking: why was I only focusing on what was wrong with those dumplings?
Later, when I was expecting my baby, I often wondered what kind of mom I wanted to be. What's a good parenting style? How can I best support my kid's growth?
I'm a very detail-oriented person. In life and work, I always try to make everything as perfect as possible. But I've noticed that when I get too caught up in the details, it's easy to start taking on every little task, and to get irritable and anxious—irritable about why I have to do so much, and anxious about not doing some things well enough.
I don't like feeling this way, and I don't want to be a mom who tries to do it all. I once heard about this concept called "100-point mom, 0-point child." Same goes for "100-point mom, 0-point dad." If a mom is too meticulous or tries to handle everything, she's actually enabling her partner and kid to be lazy. I totally agree with this viewpoint. Every family member should pitch in and contribute to the family; the responsibility shouldn't fall on just one person's shoulders.
I know that if I don't make some changes, in the future, I'll unconsciously want to do everything for my baby. But this might rob my baby of the chance to face challenges, explore independently, and solve problems on their own. I don't want to be one of those "lawnmower parents"—the ones who clear every possible obstacle on their kid's path to make sure everything goes smoothly. It may seem like love on the surface, but it actually hinders the kid's ability to handle problems independently. The child may become accustomed to having everything done for them. Suddenly expecting them to be independent when they're grown up will be a huge challenge.
I really want to try out a parenting approach that lets me guide my baby to become an independent, confident, and brave person, in just the right way. My little baby will eventually grow up. If we help her develop life skills and independent thinking from a young age, she'll gradually learn to stand on her own feet, realize that she's an essential part of this family, and also let us know what her generation is thinking. Parents and kids influence each other, and they also work together to do things for the family. I really like this vision.
So, I started training myself to "be lazy": to let go of the little things, to not sweat the small stuff, and to learn when to be hands-off and be okay with it.
After my baby arrived, I kept practicing being "lazy," and I constantly reminded myself to be a "lazy" mom—not neglecting my baby, but giving her the right amount of freedom and space to explore, starting with small things and letting her be a part of family life.
My husband and I are on the same page about this parenting philosophy, so we're consistent in how we raise our little one: finding ways to make things easier for us, cutting back on jumping in to help, and doing things together with the baby.
Finding ways to make things easier for us
Raising a child is hard work. If parents can be relaxed and happy, they'll pass those feelings on to their child—isn't there a saying that goes, "Fill your own cup first before filling others'?". It means nurturing yourself before nurturing your child. Even before our little one arrived, we started looking for "lazy" ways to make life a bit easier later on, so we started researching sleep training and baby-led weaning early on.
When she was three months old, she started sleeping independently. Since then, she sleeps at around 8 or 9 PM every night and wakes up around 8 AM. Once she's asleep, we’ve got all the time to our own, and we can also get a good night's sleep afterwards. When parents are well-rested, they can take better care of their baby. Looking back, sleep training was really hard sometimes. But by staying consistent with it, our lives became much easier in the long run. It was definitely worth the effort.
When she was five months old, we started baby-led weaning. Since then, we haven't spoon-fed her; she's always grabbed food and eaten by herself, and she eats quite well. Ever since she started eating solid foods, she's been eating from the same pot as us. In her earlier days, I would mash her food a bit. But aside from that, I've pretty much always given her the same food as us. I've never gone out of my way to cook special baby meals, let alone fancy ones. If I went through all the trouble of making special dishes just for her, and then she refused to eat them, I would feel pretty disappointed. So I never bothered spending that time. When it comes to eating, as long as my baby can see us eating and enjoy the food together with us, that's enough.
Cutting back on jumping-in-to-help
We really like one idea from Montessori education: setting up the right kind of space for kids to learn in. It's about letting them start with little things—small challenges, minor struggles, and simple routines. This helps kids develop a strong mental foundation, so they can take on bigger challenges in the future with confidence and without much help.
We keep a close eye on our little one, watching to see what she can do. If she tries to do something that's not dangerous, we step back and keep quiet. We just watch to see how she handles it. We only step in and help if we need to, based on how she's managing.
When she was just learning to walk, she would often trip and fall flat on her face. We would watch quietly to see what she would do. She would slowly pick herself up. Then we would clap and tell her how great she was doing. Most times, when she fell, she would get right back up like it was no big deal. She has bumped her leg and little nose before. She would cry and wail, but after a few sobs, she'd be happy again. We would clean her cut and give her a big hug, then let her go back to walking and running. After a while, she got used to getting up on her own whenever she fell down.
Lately, she has been really into collecting eggs from the hens. Our chickens lay a few eggs every day. Once she figured out what eggs were and saw us collecting them, she was eager to join in. We'd usually hand her the eggs and walk behind her. The first time she got an egg, she was so thrilled she waved her arms around, and oops - the egg fell and cracked. So we let one of our dogs have it. Another time, she grabbed an egg in each hand, lifted them up, and - crack! - smashed them together. Both eggs broke, so both dogs got tasty treats. After that, whenever she'd come out with an egg, the dogs would come running, hoping for more. But our little egg collector has gotten pretty good at holding them now, so the dogs don't get many bonus snacks anymore.
Another reason for cutting back on jumping-in-to-help is that we hope our baby will gradually learn when to ask for help. When we let her do things on her own, she has already discovered that there are some things she can't do—the trash can is too tall, the bag is too heavy. Occasionally, she'll start calling out "Daddy" or "Mommy," and that's when we go and help. Being able to actively seek help is going to be very important as our baby grows up.
However, this doesn't mean indulging any inappropriate behavior. At the dinner table, she discovered that hitting a cup with a spoon makes a sound, so she started banging away, making loud clanging noises and disturbing the rest of us. We immediately took away the spoon and cup, letting her know that behavior is inappropriate. It's our responsibility to set rules for her and teach her to follow them.
Doing things together with our baby
Sometimes, she is interested in something but can't quite do it independently yet. In those cases, we'll do it together with her, helping her achieve success. That way, once she gets the hang of it, we can take a step back.
When our little girl was about 15 months old, she got really curious about the dishwasher. She could actually grab plates and cups with her small hands and even help shut the dishwasher door. She wanted to help out, and I was really happy. I jumped in to become her helper, letting her hand me the plates. Is there a chance something might break? Of course, but I'm okay with that risk. I worked alongside my baby, knowing a plate might get broken, but I wanted to help her feel good about doing this little job.
Our baby loves to make a mess after playing with toys or reading books. It's exhausting to clean up after her all the time. We're teaching her to put away her own stuff. Sometimes she really enjoys cleaning up; other times, she refuses. We count it as cleaning up even if she only puts away a few things or tosses them in the toy box. The main goal is to build a habit, so she learns that things should go back in their place after use. Now she enjoys throwing away trash and dog poop bags, and getting rid of dirty diapers.
Sometimes, when we're working in the backyard with tools, she gets interested. She wants to join in and help. We let her try it out. It's cute - she does a pretty good job of copying what we do!
Jianqiang Chi, an author I respect, once said his plans for when his kids grow up is to step back. He summed it up as: “If they don’t ask, do not bring it up; if they don’t seek for help, do not provide help.”
This is an idea I very much agree with and a state I want to aim for.
So far, our "lazy" parenting is starting to pay off.
As our baby grows up, she'll learn about the world from many places. She'll need to make her own choices and find her own way. I'll keep trying to be a "lazy mom," watching quietly as she figures things out. But if she asks for advice, she'll find I'm always there, ready to support her.