Memolines ~ Going head-to-head with with a stubborn almost-three-year-old
As parents, we’re much more level-headed than our children, so we can use different strategies to help them process their emotions before attempting real communication.
As my daughter approaches three, she’s becoming increasingly opinionated. Gone are the days when she’d wear whatever we picked out—now if a piece of clothing isn’t the right color, she flat-out refuses. Sometimes we have no choice but to negotiate: “Do you want the red one or the blue one?” If she rejects both options, we let her have some space to cool off.
As her thinking becomes more independent, these moments requiring negotiation are happening more and more. Two recent incidents have given us better insight into what kids this age are going through.
1. The blanket battle
She has one blanket on her bed and another on the rug next to it. One day, despite having a slight cold, she insisted on sleeping on the rug. Since sleeping on the floor would only make her cold worse, we removed the blanket from the rug.
She had an instant meltdown. When we told her the blanket was in the wash, she immediately ran to the laundry room door, determined to get it back. After much back-and-forth, I tried a different approach: “Actually, I haven’t washed it yet. I can give you this blanket, but you need to sleep in your bed tonight—sleeping on the floor will make your cold worse.”
She was reluctant but still wanted that specific blanket. When she wanted to move it to her bed, I said, “If you want to switch it, you’ll have to do it yourself. You can’t expect Mom and Dad to help you rearrange blankets every time.”
She said helplessly, “I can’t pull it.” Her logic was actually quite clear: she couldn’t do it herself and needed our help.
But since we weren’t willing to do it, that opened up room for negotiation. We eventually reached a compromise: she would sleep in her bed, and I would spread the other blanket on the rug.
2. The breakfast standoff
Another morning, running short on time before dropping her off at school and heading to a doctor’s appointment, I heated up a red bean bun for breakfast. But our stubborn little one kept insisting: “I want scallion pancake.”
When I explained there wasn’t time to heat the frozen pancake, she had a complete meltdown. Finally I said, “Mommy has to see the doctor and can’t wait for you. You’ll stay home with Daddy.” Then I left. When I returned home later, I found her quietly playing with toys next to her dad, in a pretty good mood.
Dad filled me in on what happened: “She sat at the dining table by herself, calling out to anyone who would listen, and when she realized no one was responding to her protests, she climbed onto the table, ate the red bean bun, drank her milk, then came over and stuck to me.”
Sometimes giving kids a cooling-off period is necessary. When she’s overly emotional, she can’t hear anything beyond what she wants, but when no one responds to her “protests,” she’ll often figure out how to solve the problem herself.
When emotions are running high, kids need to calm down first—otherwise they won’t listen to anything. As parents, we’re much more level-headed than our children, so we can use different strategies to help them process their emotions before attempting real communication.
Tag-teaming as parents is crucial. When the same person handles these situations repeatedly, frustration builds up. My husband and I take turns during these moments—stepping back helps restore our patience.
Understanding the characteristics of each developmental stage is also important. When she’s developing independent thinking skills, it’s natural for her to stubbornly stick to certain ideas, like insisting on using a specific water bottle. Sometimes if it doesn’t matter, we let her have her way, but when we can’t accommodate her demands, we need to find other ways to guide her, for example talking different topics to distract her, keeping her little brain too busy to focus on the original demand, then guide her in a different direction.
We’ve noticed these negotiation moments are becoming more frequent—especially as we try to respect her growing independence. While it doesn’t always go smoothly, we usually manage to find a middle ground where both sides can compromise a little.